i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
