3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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