So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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