i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
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