Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Blood and glitter go together right?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
