now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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