why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
