Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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