She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
