she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
