so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i think my mom watched the whole time
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
