I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
