I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
