Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
