Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
