I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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