I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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