I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Michael Bay diarrhea
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I smell like Dick and happiness
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
