dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
