Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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