she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
