I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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