Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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