True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
