so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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