Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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