Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
