It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
