I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
