Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
