She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
