Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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