if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
