i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
