why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
