she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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