i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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