can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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