Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
