You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You made out with two different species that night
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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