between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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