I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
