Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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