I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Randomize
