He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
