Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
