I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
