I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Come back. Shots need mouths.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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