We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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