I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Randomize