just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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