the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
