No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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