I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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