There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
