I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I queefed so loud it echoed.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Randomize
