Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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