Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
