OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
