oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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