And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Randomize
