Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
