pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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