I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Everything about him screamed your future.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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