did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Randomize
